This is bothering me a whole lot. I don't read this blog nor have I ever heard of this What??? section. I am caught off guard by the nanny ad about requesting the nanny spank the twins. It just makes me sick and let me tell you why. I hope you will share it as my story and a warning to other nannies. If someone asks you to spank their children, don't do it. I got what I thought was a great job working for a woman who was big in the fashion magazine world and her physician husband. These were people that ran in a lot of circles and were accepted and valued people. So when they gave me advice contrary to what I thought, I didn't trust myself. Who am I? Some 22 year old from Nebraska with 9 community college credits.One of the most troubling situations that occured there was that they said they incorporated spanking in their discipline and they weren't nuts about it, but did realize it worked. They explained that they go through phases, redirection, positive enforcement, time out and spanking. The parents explained that spanking was a last resort for a recurring problem. The parents also said, we want the discipline to be consistent, so while ideally we would handle all corporal discipline, you may be required from time to time and based on our fair rules to administer a spanking. The family explained the spankings were either one whack or three. Never more. I wasn't comfortable with that; or was I? Because I was more dazzled by the lifestyle I was getting in to and the perks of their job than this one off thing. So I accepted the job.
I got paid fabulously and everything went well. Then there came a time when I had to spank the 5 year old daughter. I spanked her with my bare hand over her underwear. She cried, ran away to her room and came out and hugged me and apologized after about 40 minutes. It didn't feel right, but now I understood why they said it worked. So about two months ago, I had to spank the three year old. One whack, over his underwear. Then about 6 days later, I had to do it again; again I pulled his pants down to get to his underwear and spanked him once with my hand. This time I noticed that his penis was erect. I felt dirty and filthy and weird about this. But I didn't tell the parent. I started grading the three year old on a curve so I wouldn't have to spank him ever again. I gave him more favorable reports than he deserved. This worked until two weeks ago when the father called me to tell me that the three year old had done something (I'm leaving out the details so as not to identify him) at preschool. The father basically said he wouldn't be home for four hours, so I should spank him three times and send him to his room until father got home. The boy was wearing jersey shorts over his underwear. I didn't pull the shorts down. I spanked him once, then twice. I noticed he immediately got an erection. I stopped and left the room quickly.
I was debating whether or not to quit the job. I decided to be honest with the parents and I asked to speak with them. They said they were very happy with me and complimented many things I had done. I told them quite honestly that I should have been honest in the interview but I didn't feel good about physical discipline and tried to adhere to their rules but (and I was careful not to say anything judgmental about why it was wrong) but I am not comfortable spanking a child. The mother said she could understand my feelings. She also explained that the reason they had authorized the spankings is so I wasn't powerless over the kids, since my discipline methods were limited and as such they were not quashing behavior but just setting times for which it could occur. This made sense. It was kind of true. I noticed this after they agreed I didn't need to consider that a part of my job. I noticed that the three year old in particular would do things he would never do in front of his parents and knew I couldn't do anything. Sending him to his room meant sending him to a toddler paradise. Big Wahooey. So things went by and I gave a lot of time outs and life goes on. Then Dad starts working out of the home for a special project. I knew it was temporary. I just didn't know how bad it would get. The three year old continued to test me, but now Dad was in earshot and he would call son in and spank him. This would not have made me uncomfortable at all - a parent spanking their kid - except I had observed the erection. So I was in the vicinity of the spankings three times and each time, I believe the boy had an erection. I can also say I believe because it was apparent.
So I guess what I am saying is that the anti spanking people say that spanking your kids will turn them in to sexual deviants and I always dismissed that as hooey. (I would never spank my own children). I just thought it fear mongering. But now after what I witnessed with this otherwise happy, well adapted three year old; I just don't think it could be normal that you spank a child and they get a reaction like that. I know that it is only a bodily reaction because he is three years old. But I just wanted to say to nannies, don't ever spank another person's kids. It's just too weird. And while I think you have your right to spank your kid so long as you don't leave a mark, don't do it. Don't let the goverment tell you that you can't do it, just don't do it because you come to understand it isn't the right thing to. Okay that is all from me. A nanny struggling with a form of discipline I have a real problem with but obviously not much of a problem if I am still collecting paychecks and leaving like I am.
50 comments:
Wow is all I can say, it might help to take some child development classes.
Here are some "tips" the OP left out when it comes to caring for kids.
1. A child who masturbates has been exposed to sexual information that is not appropriate for his/her age.
2. you will go blind if you masterbate (or grow hair on the plams of your hand).
there is also:
3. you will get your birthday wish if you blow out all the candles on the first try
4. if you swallow a watermelon seed it will grow in your stomach
5. if you spill salt you need to throw a pinch over your left shoulder (into the face of the devil that is standing there)
6. if a black cat crosses your path it means bad luck
There are tons more too---sorry but this original post is just stupid. They sound like good parents to me and the little boy sounds normal. I have spanked my boy and haven't noticed an erection but he's a little boy and it does happen occassionally. OP that is a normal occurance in a boy-it is NOT sexual at all. My son (4) is not even aware of it.
OP obviously didn't get one of those 9 community college credits in a class on sexual development of children. It's disgusting how misinformation like this gets spread around.
OP, the above posters are correct. You really are misinformed and it's too bad because one day you will procreate and that would be a tragedy.
Oh for Goodness sakes, when my son was a preschooler he got erections all the time. I didn't make a big deal about them, it's natural and little boys get erections for all sorts of reasons nearly none of them sexual.
Eww I hope the OP didn't get off on posting this disgusting post.
My son sometimes gets an erection when I have to clean a bowel movement off his penis. Should I stop changing his diaper?
This is normal and natural. If you have a problem with the spanking itself, fine. But to say that the child is going to become a sexual deviant because of a normal biological reaction is ludicrous.
PLEASE take a child development class. It truthfully concerns me that your mind has gone in this direction.
Wow,
OP:
Erections happen with the males of our species. I am very sorry that you have been so closeted in your lfie not to realize this.
I suppose all the teenage boys in high school are all sexual deviants becuase they cannot control their erection? Heck Adult MEN have a hard time in certain circumstances.
He is a child does not know better and is fascinated with the changes their body is going through. Making a big deal out of it WILL make it a big deal to him.
How YOU and others around him react to it, will point him in the direction his development will go.
Take some courses, heck READ SEVERAL books on the subject.
It sounds to me like OP is concerned because 3yr old gets erections while being spanked. She does not mention any other occurences. Perhaps she is enlightened or just afraid that linking pain to pleasure will possibly cause the child to grow up as a masochist. I don't think it's that far of a jump. If this is what she is saying, which is how I read it.
this is perhaps the nuttiest post I have read on here in a long time.
My 18 mo. old charge gets erections all the time, especially when he wakes up and I change his diaper. He has done this for as long as I've cared for him (starting at 7 wks.) It's not that unusual. His older brother who was almost 3 when I started used to get them fairly often and complain about something bothering and would put his hands over his pants. His mom (a doctor) was a little concerned about it (b/c he complained about it) until I said I think he's just having an erection and not to worry about it. She gave it some other clinical sounding term but it meant the same thing.
Sorry, but spankings and erections have really nothing to do with each other. I have smacked my kids when it was really warranted and not once did I see they got an erection. How did you know it was an erection? I have only noticed erections in my boys when I changed them or when they were naked in the tub. Seeing one in a clothed child is kind of odd to me. Maybe I'm dumb but I don't get what this poster is getting at.
This is frightening to me that this woman works with children. A 3 year old does not get an erection from being sexually aroused (just to clear up only one of the many many crazy things she had to say...I dont have time or energy for more right now).
"What a twit" is about all I can offer other than what these other commenters already did.
Please, honey, I am BEGGING you...get a job at McD's or something and stay away from kids.
You really don't know a lot about kids, do you OP?
Why do people consider sending their children to their room as time outs? They're not! A real time out is immediate, it is facing a wall or corner - or a tree if need be in a park and standing in complete silence - from both the child and caregiver - who should stay close by. It is best to follow with an explanation, it is best to give some warning prior if the behavior is not too severe - without warning if behavior is and it doesn't need to be long. I find the minute per year of age rule to be fairly on the dot. I don't like them, but done this way they've been fairly effective with more rebellious children. Just my two cents.
Yeah I always put kids on time out away from other children, the TV etc.
Sending them to their rooms either is sending them to Toy Land or make them associate their bedrooms with someplace bad.
I have never even heard anyone say there was a connection between spanking and sexual deviancy. Can you please tell me where you heard this in the first place, OP?
I was thinking the same thing Star Craft...never heard such a thing and I've been a nanny, teacher and parent.
repost
Anonymous said...
I agree with everyone that the op may benefit from taking some child development classes to ease her fear and apparent guilt over having participated in spanking a child when she was not comfortable with that-but to call her a nitwit and demean her-this is why people in this world don't ask for help anymore-because people always need to redicule and mock others instead of simply offering help. Such immature comments. If she needs a child development class-some of the commentators here would benefit from a sensitivity class.
Is this real?
There are some people in the world who do view pain sexually. As another poster stated, they are typically referred to as masochists. Ever heard of bondage or BDSM? There is quite a large group of people (adults) that view being spanked as a form of sexual pleasure (they are usually sexually 'submissive' and enjoy being dominated). This is a topic we recently covered in both my Sociology class and Psychology class.
However, with that being said, I am referring to adults not children. The OP is VERY misinformed when it comes to child development. 3 year olds do NOT get erections for the same reason adult men (usually) do. Erections are blood flow to the penis (it's as simple as that) which is also why men often get erections while they are sleeping (and not dreaming of anything sexual) it's their bodies way of checking "all systems" and staying healthy. In case OP also doesn't know, little boys (and girls) often touch themselves as well. Because they are not sexually mature, this is not something that is "dirty" or can result in an orgasm it is simply the same to them as scratching an itch etc and the start of self (and body) awareness. If this little boy is getting erections it's not because he's "turned on" (he doesn't posses the sexual maturity to even FEEL sexual arousal yet) it's because blood flow (or circulation) is causing him to get one. The first feelings of sexual arousal usually don't develop until pre-teen to teen years. (With that being said, you might want to reconsider spanking a 13 year old (there HAVE been studies done on spanking OLDER children that COULD relate later sexual deviancy).
If you are uncomfortable with spanking (as quite a few people are) don't do it, but make sure you also continue your education systems early child development as you don't seem to be too terribly aware of the physical changes and stages that all children go through.
Ugh, wrote my post from my phone "systems" should read "in".
To clarify, my comment regarding not spanking a 13 year old was just sighting the studies OP might be referring to (they all pretained to spanking older children NOT toddlers and young children) with that being said, most people that do spank have already stopped using spanking as a form of punishment by the age of 12 or 13. Of course, it also doesn't mean that all children who are spanked older will be come sexual deviants either, it just showed an odd slightly elevated correlation.
OP- I understand your concern with spanking other people's children- you were not comfortable with it from the beginning. I can even understand your concern with spanking the child on his underwear particularly when he has an erection.
However, you really make a leap in stating that spanking leads to sexual deviancy. I'm not even really sure what logic you used to reach that conclusion.
I feel totally creeped out after reading this post. OP, erections are normal in little boys and he probably gets them waaaay more than you're noticing. Take your mind out of the gutter and read a book about this!
I have no other words than: WTF!!! Wow, just when you thought you have read it all. OP, please read a child development book. Thanks.
Santa Claus said...
"Is this real?"
Are you? lol.
Wow...just wow.
How the hell did this chick get a job as a nanny?
Thia is weird and I would never leave my child with anyone! You have no privacey and a stranger is always analizing your family!
Also I would not feel comfortable with a jobthat required me to put my hands on someone elses child!
Ok, so clearly the OP is not very experienced and uneducated about certain aspects of child development and care. Why not help to educate her? Point her to some specific resources rather than demean her for daring to show ignorance or atleast do something more productive than insulting her from the cozy confines of your keyboards.
As for the subject and content of the post: I agree it is a far stretch to say that physical discipline is the main contributing factor in people who have kinky inclinations.
OP: Here are some starter links, I encourage you to do a lil research of your own and take a few deep breaths.
http://parenting.families.com/blog/what-is-not-appropriate-sexual-development-in-early-childhood
http://extension.missouri.edu/publications/DisplayPub.aspx?P=GH6002
To Anonymous and Relax:
Maybe I'm choosing to insult and demean because it pisses me off that this ignorant and inexperienced person can get a well-paying job and some of us (myself included) have been out of work for months. People who have No Idea what they are doing are taking jobs away for us highly qualified folk. Chalk it up to good old-fashioned jealousy, if you will. I'm owning up to it at least. Besides, OP said she is in her 20s and she had taken at least a couple of college courses. You'd think she'd know Something about childhood development.
Miss Mannah- Considering that most of the nannies here have been very anti-spanking (as I myself am) perhaps that is why this family had to go with some one inexperienced, and why they had to pay her rather highly. That's the only way they could find someone willing to spank their kids.
Student Nanny- PLEASE! Somehow I doubt this family went through a multitude of nanny interviews where no one would discipline the children the way they wanted so they said "well, we REALLY want our children spanked, I guess we will just have to pick someone who doesn't know any better and make sure the salary is high enough that she goes against her own moral code". While I agree this OP does seem rather uneducated and histrionic, I doubt those were qualities that landed her the job.
Am I the only one here who things that the original post might have been trolling? This whole thing sounds pretty far-fetched to me. If these people were so well-off why would they have hired someone who doesn't know very much about children? If I was loaded I would get someone with years of experience, a degree and all that good stuff. I certainly wouldn't get an undereducated "kid" with no experience...Would you?
Nasty, nasty ladies.
While this post also creeped me out a bit, you're all being downright nasty and self-righteous. The OP is clearly misinformed and naive, but it's an honest misconception she got herself caught up in. To call her names and insult her intelligence is just catty.
And boohoo to the poster who said they have some sort of right to demean her because she got the well paying job you wish you could have. Seriously?
OP, ignore these uptight, catty women and do some research to better educate yourself about child development in general. Good luck to you.
jacqui,
in this day and age, if a childcare provider is so misinformed and naive, she is beyond help and needs to get into another line of work that does not involve people. OP is a grown adult woman: she is not 12. Not knowing better and then posting how dumb you are for the world to see does not invite understanding: it invites criticism and rightly so.
Additionally, OP herself admits that she was dazzled by the money and position. She sounds like a real piece of work if you ask me.
This post was in general totally nutty.
Though I think "nutbag" is wrong for many reasons like saying people deserve to have other people be rude to them, I agree with them on one thing.
You knew you didn't want to spank kids. But they gave you enough money to make it "worth your while" and that's not good at all. No amount of money could make me do something that I think is totally immoral.
It makes me wonder what other ways you could be bought. If I pay you enough will you rob a bank? In life you need to learn to stick to your guns...no matter how much money someone offers you to turn on yourself.
I will say one more time that I think this whole thing was made-up anyway. It's WAY too far-fetched for me. And why would "rich" people settle for someone not qualified and pay them an enormous amount? Sounds like OP has a wild imagination.
a little suspicious:
I did not say anything of the kind. I did not say they "deserved people to be rude to them." clean your glasses. What I said was that OP's post invites criticism. If you are going to comment on other people's posts, the least you can do is get it right. Don't pull stuff out of your ass.
Nutbag, your a cunt. Just because you're on the internet and can hide behind a fake persona doesn't mean you have any right to act like a snot.
NIAC:
But you can hide behind the C-word and act that way, right?
What a loser!
I was spanked only ONE time as a child and I firmly believe I deserved it. I'd been told to go no farther than my parents could see me from the front door, because there had been a rash of child molestations in our apartment complex (the guy was eventually caught while playing tug of war with a child and the child's mother). About half an hour after being told to stay within view of the apartment's front door, my father found me in the parking lot - no where even close to within view of our apartment. He went ballistic and I understand why.
As a parent, I have spanked exactly once, totally out of frustration with my precocious little 4 year old daughter. I realized how totally ineffective it was when her reaction was to laugh at me.
That said, I am one of those adults who enjoys being consensually spanked occasionally. And as an above poster said, my personal fetish has absolutely nothing to do with my own childhood development.
BDSM mom, I find a lot of people call their children "precocious" when bratty would be a better word.
And if you smacked your daughter and she laughed at you obviously you didn't smack her hard enough.
When I smack my child I smack them hard enough to get their attention but not hard enough to bruise. And though I don't have to do it often they remember it next time they feel like acting "precocious" :)
I don't allow my children to laugh at me.
BDSM mom, is your name Kim? I know a woman named Kim who can't control her child and she is also kinky.
This poor OP sealed her fate trying to get legitimate advice from these vultures, not when she mentioned the spanking or the related erection, but because she mentioned that she works for a prominent family and gets paid well. We live in such a "I wanna be a celebrity or at least be associated with one" world that although she is desperately seeking advice and sounds like she has legitimate concerns (although it is a touchy subject both ways) you idiots can't look past her mentioning she works for someone in a celebrity like inner circle and gets paid well. She actually sounds fairly well-spoken, seems to be just stating the facts, with great detail, which I tend to get wound up doing myself and doubtfully was expecting to get this kind of response. You all bashing the job itself that she holds, are some of those jealous, finger-snapping, oh no she didn't say that sitters that I'm not sure I would hire if I had small children, despite your extensive childcare experience. Lesson learned: just never mention you are paid well, or especially work for someone prominent, or nastiness could insue.
I personally don't believe that the OP is telling the truth. The whole thing sounds completely made-up. It's probably supposed to be some type of joke.
I was never spanked as a child - so why do I enjoy it now? I also love to be Dominated and controlled sexually.
Hmmm, I wonder if that makes me sadistic or just a little on the freaky side? ;-)
Dear Nutbag and Loratadine:
My daughter is not a brat, but she is extremely independent and intelligent, qualities that serve her well. (BTW, "Precocious" is defined as "exceptionally early in development or exhibiting mature qualities at an unusually early age.") That incident occurred when she was 2 - right around the time she began reading. She is now 13 and I learned through the spanking/laughing incident that that non-physical communication is the key with her - respectful two-way communication is our standard MO. We actually have an extremely strong and positive relationship. We're very clear that I'm the mom and she's the child. We respect each other and have no control issues. How nice for your kids that you smack them around - just not enough to leave a bruise. That's a good way to be sure that pesky CPS doesn't get all up in your business, eh?
No, my name is not Kim. And, as I said above, my daughter and I have an excellent relationship.
Just like Anonymous Reader above, I'm just a little freaky on the side.
Some of you guys are right--this might very well be a fake.
Nannykeeper: where did OP say she wanted advice from us? I got the impression she was giving advice--her advice being not to spank our charges not matter how much their parents pay us to do so. I'm thinking you were looking a little too much into her post and into some of our responses.
Jacqui: for the record, I never said anyone had the right to demean another person. I said I was choosing to because I was having a particularly bad day, having just been turned down for two jobs. I've since been turned down for another and I know it is because there's so many people around here who are pathetically under-qualified and charging dirt-cheap prices. So when I read something like the OP, yeah it makes me boo-hoo just a little bit.
As for everyone else: when you start talking about smacking your children (whether your own or someone else's) or start calling each other the c-word, you immediately lose any credibility.
I am the poster "nutbag" at Aug 24, 2010 3:33:00 PM
I am NOT the poster "nubag" at Aug 25, 2010 7:48:00 PM
I was very confused when I read a response to "nutbag" about spanking children etc: I would never spank my child.
Can you people please come up with your own moniker? And if you were somehow trying to make me look bad by posting something ridiculous under my moniker, get a life!!!!
to BDSM Mom: I did NOT say this to you: "And if you smacked your daughter and she laughed at you obviously you didn't smack her hard enough." The person who said this to you is ridiculous and needs to come up with their own moniker.
There's no need to be so mean, guys. We all started out somewhere before we learned the best way to do our jobs. Clearly the OP needs more education, but didn't you at one point or another?
and OP: There are many ways to ensure good discipline without spanking. If you're having trouble with this, just like with anything else, it doesn't hurt to do some research. That being said, the key to discipline is consistency. Make sure your expectations are clear to the child, and that you are consistent in using a time-out or taking away of privileges when those expectations are not met. Time outs should be in a corner or on a chair, not in the room, and kids should always know exactly why they are getting a time out. I have never had a problem with this method, and I say that as someone who has worked with children who previously had a lot of behavioral issues.
Wow. I was sick for a week and came back to this.
OP is ill informed as I am about ealry childhood sexuality. I was raised in a family of girls. With that being said I don't work with children. But I understand (common sense) that at that age it is not sexually orianted. Purely blood flow, if it happens during spankings could be because his blood (around his whole body) is pumping faster. Physiological fact about the blood flow. I understand you're freaked out but you need to think about other possibilities first. What the hell do the teach people in Nebraska?
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